Conflict Coaching Archives - Conflict Insights

“Conflict”: What’s in a name?

July 27, 2023

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How do you know when you are in conflict? What is it about that situation, dynamic or conversation that makes it feel like you’re suddenly in a difficult conversation?

Is it your heart racing, blood pumping, colour rising to your cheeks and a general sense of unease? For many of us, conflict can be a stressful, threatening experience.

But we may be ‘in conflict’ more than we think.

Conflicting ideas = exchanging ideas

A conflict is actually any time in a conversation with someone when there is a difference of views, opinions, perspective. When we are expressing differing views, opinions or perspectives, we share a something that conflicts with those of the other person. Our ideas conflict with each other. Our views are in conflict. Our perspectives conflict.

This can be a good thing, because that exchange of view, opinions, perspective makes conversation and life interesting. Contrasting ideas can spark creativity. We only have to consider the alternative to see that contrasting ideas are a positive. What would the alternative be? Stagnation. Or not speaking up. That doesn’t sound great.

Positive conflict

So, if many conversations involve an element of difference, why don’t we see that as positive conflict? Sometimes we can be keen to emphasise the absence of ‘conflict’ because that word has a negative association. Paradoxically, acknowledging that there are different ideas being shared can make it easier to open up a conversation about those.

Engaging constructively

So, what can we do when we notice that we’re in a disagreement with someone we are speaking to? It’s noticing that opportunity to embrace the differences and engage in a constructive conversation where ideas are shared.

Here are some tips for that moment when we notice:

Stay calm: remember this is a chance to exchange ideas.
Don’t get personal: using language that attacks the other person themselves is more likely to close down the space for a discussion; instead focus on the views, opinions and perspectives.
Acknowledge the difference: ‘How interesting – it sounds like we’re seeing this differently.’
Explore to understand: ‘I’m curious. Could you tell me a bit more about what’s led you to that perspective?’
Share our voice: ‘Shall I say something about why I see this differently?’

You can connect with Pip here for a conversation about conflict.

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, workplace

Conflict: What I wish I’d learnt at school

By Philippa Brown

June 21, 2023

An opportunity to work with a group of 15-year olds this month exploring different aspects of conflict got me thinking. Alongside other life skills such as managing money and nurturing mental health, what are some of the things about conflict that I wish I’d learnt as a teenager?

It’s unavoidable – and may be useful

A good chunk of my training with adult learners deals with the common assumptions that conflict is a bad thing. Or it’s seen as something to be avoided. But it can serve a useful function. The positives that conflict can offer include the opportunity to air issues that need to be resolved. We have an opportunity to describe what we need and to make specific requests to meet those needs. It’s an opportunity to embrace diverse thinking and different perspectives. In the workplace, a team without conflict isn’t a dream team, it’s a stagnant team!

And we can’t avoid conflict entirely. We can choose to disengage from a conflict situation, by choosing an avoidant approach. But we are still subject to that conflict, but now without the scope to work constructively. We;’re missing the opportunity to meet our needs and to understand better what the other person is seeking to achieve. Hint: there’s generally more to it than just because they want to be mean. This might have surprised my 15-year old self!

To understand what’s happening, I need to go beyond the right/wrong trap

Focusing on allocating blame is limiting. It limits the scope to understand what is driving the other person’s actions and behaviour. I can widen the scope for us to reach an agreement by making a different choice. I can do this by seeking to understand what’s going on under the surface. Why are they behaving as they are? What are they trying to achieve? What really are they trying to achieve? This is also reminds me of the Stephen Covey lesson to ‘seek first to understand’ before I make my own case.

I can choose how I engage with conflict and I can engage better

Our learned conflict style isn’t the only option available to us. Talking through concerns wasn’t the default option when I was growing up. Looking back, I suspect that many of the adults around me were conflict-avoiders. There are certainly times when avoiding a conflict may serve me well. But if that’s my only way of responding then there’s an opportunity to do better. And that could work out better for me too.

My conclusion – I have improved how I manage conflict situations and there’s scope to improve further

I have worked on my conflict skills for some years now. And I sometimes describe myself as a ‘recovering conflict avoider’ when I’m training. Using this is when we’re talking through the five Thomas-Kilman conflict styles (avoiding, competing, compromising, accommodating, collaborating).

I know that there is always scope to improve. It’s easier to enagage constructively in conflict as a third party, or in a professional setting. And, for me, I find it hardest to respond well in situations of personal conflict with my family. But I appreciate the skills I’ve built so far and I want to go further.

When training and coaching, I always emphasise that conflict skills can be developed at any stage of life. It would be great to start to develop those early on. But even if we didn’t, we can still build a solid set of skills to engage with conflict at all levels of intensity more effectively.

You can connect with Pip here for a conversation about conflict.

conflict, Conflict Coaching, conflictcoaching, workplace

What are the three things about workplace conflict that we often get wrong?

By Philippa Brown

January 16, 2023

For many of us, conflict at work is a ‘bad thing’, whether it’s an overt dispute or just the tensions bubbling away under the surface. It’s stressful, distracting and disruptive. And the effects are usually felt by many more people than just those directly involved.

It’s common for our initial reaction to conflict to be to avoid it, or to fight back, to placate or to see if there’s a compromise where everyone gets something so that that issues are less pressing – the classic Conflict Styles described by Thomas and Kilmann.

But what could we do differently – and what might we be missing about the conflict, disputes, tensions that could help us to engage more constructively?

Conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing

Before we continue, I’d like to pause for a moment.

I’d like to invite you to imagine your workplace. What if there were no conflict in your team? What would that look like?

The dynamic is peaceful. No arguments. No disagreements. Everyone’s personal style is aligned. No clashes. No opposing views.

No differences of opinion, views or perspectives.

Peace….. Or, perhaps, stagnation.

Is that really what we want? Or, is that more like Matthew Syed’s unintelligent team of clones – who all think alike?

Without differing views and perspectives, i.e. without views and perspectives that conflict with each other, we end up with group think. This matters because cognitive diversity strengthens business.

We want disagreement. But we want constructive disagreement. It’s important to be able to share opposing, conflicting views, without erupting into harmful conflict.

If we can see the issues from the other side of the table, then we are a lot more likely to find a way to resolve them

Mediators talk about the iceberg – a party’s position statement is at the top. That’s the bit that you see and hear. It’s what they are saying. Underneath the water, lies their interests, needs, wants. Those explain why they are saying whatever they are saying.

To understand the issues from other person’s perspective, we need to explore what is going on under the surface

If you focus only on the part of the iceberg that you see, then you are very likely to get stuck. Often those position statements are in opposition to each other. By seeking to understand why the parties need, want, those positions – it gives you more information that is relevant to reaching an agreement.

Mediators also talk about the orange. You may have already heard this because it is a scenario used in mediation training, as well as negotiation training. For those who haven’t, there are two kids fighting over the last orange in the fruit bowl. The parent comes in a decides enough is enough – they split the orange and give each child half. Seems fair, right? One child takes their half into the sitting room, peels it and eats it, throwing the peel away. The other takes their half into the kitchen, peels it and uses the peel for the cake they are making, throwing away the pulp.

What could the parent have done differently? They could have asked why each child wanted the orange. There was a missed opportunity for each child to get 100% of what they wanted.

Developing an understanding of why people in conflict are taking their positions gives you a chance to find a win-win agreement at the end.

Empowering people to find their own solutions is likely to result in longer lasting agreements

When I worked in Somalia, one significant recurrent risk was that the interests of the donors would affect the internal political agreements between different Somali political factions. The sustainability of any agreements reached depended more on the relationships between Somali stakeholders. They were the main actors in the conflict.

A mediator creates the space for discussion, manages the process and listens out for the issues that really matter. They don’t ‘own’ the dispute, nor are they responsible for reaching an agreement. The parties are responsible.

And agreements tend to stick when they have been determined by those directly affected by the conflict.

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

Top Tips to Manage Holiday Conflict Better

By Philippa Brown

December 8, 2022

As we approach “the most wonderful time of the year…..”, according to Andy Williams, for many of us, it’s also a time when we experience conflict during those much-anticipated gatherings with our loved ones. That conflict may be very visible – or it could be bubbling under the surface. It’s still conflict. And it can still feel stressful, uncomfortable and even upsetting.

Here is a collection of my favourite conflict management and resolution tips. Some have been picked up during mediation, others from working in conflict hotpots across the globe and others from simply living and working in situations where conflicts arise.

Take heart – conflict is inevitable.

Conflicts are part of life. In any discussion where you have multiple views, perspectives, ideas expressed, there’s almost certainly going to be a conflict between them. This is a good thing because it makes our conversations richer and more interesting. How dull would it be if there were only one way of looking at an issue? See here for our previous post on why we really need some conflict, handled well.

The challenge is to embrace those differences, and continue the conversation.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Give those involved a good listening to. Hear them out.

Samaritans use the Listening Wheel as a prompt to utilise all elements of active listening: asking open questions; reflecting; reacting clarifying; summarising; using short words of encouragement. For more on learning to listen like a Samaritan, see this wonderful book.

And ask questions in the spirit of friendly curiosity

Find out why they are saying what they’re saying. What do they need to happen and why is that? What interests or needs do they have?

If you find yourselves on opposite sides of an argument or issue, it’s all the more important to show curiosity. What has led them to reach the conclusions that they have done? A useful 1 minute summary is here.

Empathise.

And encourage those involved to put themselves into the other persons’ shoes. Mediators will sometimes ask parties think through the issues from the perspective of the other party. As Gerry O’Sullivan says, “it’s important to ask the party to think like the other party with that other party’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives, rather than thinking about what they would have done in those circumstances.” It is a very powerful way to ease the antagonism/competition we often find in conflicts.

Try a different perspective.

To help maintain a sense of perspective when emotions start to run high, we can practise ‘distanced self-talk’, following the example of Marcus Aurelius. If that doesn’t work for you, there are other techniques to support us to manage our emotions. It gets harder to do that in a state of stress. But that’s when you really need them. Here’s a bit more on managing emotions.

You may agree to disagree.

You may not reach an agreement or shared perspective on an issue. That’s ok. You can disagree on the substance without breaking the relationship. Here’s how:

Actively acknowledge the other’s perspective using terms such as ‘I understand that…,’; ‘I see your point’; or ‘What I think you are saying is…’
Affirm the other person’s views by highlighting areas of agreement, no matter how small or obvious. For example, say ‘I agree that…’ or ‘You’re right about…’
Hedge your claims: say ‘I think it’s possible’ rather than ‘This will happen because…’ (Note: you can soften your own beliefs, but don’t minimise values! Avoid words such as ‘just’, ‘simply’ or ‘only’.)
Phrase your arguments in positive rather than negative terms. Say ‘I think it’s helpful to maintain a social distance’ rather than ‘You should not be socialising right now.’
Share your personal experiences – especially involving vulnerability – and this will encourage mutual respect. In contrast, reciting explanations or facts you’ve learned can sound argumentative and condescending.

Focus on the future

Many conflicts have several different dimensions – there will be the trigger event or comment. But there are often many events, comments and hurts in the past that have contributed to the current situation. Especially in family settings, the slights and hurts can last a generation. Getting stuck in a tit-for-tat exchange of who did what to whom is unlikely to set the scene for a more positive relationship in the future. It may be necessary to share your feelings and understand the impact of past actions. But for the relationship to move on, it’s helpful to refocus on we want from the relationship in the future.

Talk to us for more on how to manage conflict better

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

Top Tips for Conflict in the Festive Season

By Philippa Brown

December 14, 2021

‘Tis the season to be jolly. But for many of us, it’s also a time when we experience conflict during those much-anticipated gatherings with our loved ones. That conflict may be very visible – or it could be bubbling under the surface. It’s still conflict. And it can still feel stressful, uncomfortable and even upsetting.

Here is a collection of my favourite conflict management and resolution tips. Some have been picked up during mediation, others from working in conflict hotpots across the globe and others from simply living and working in situations where conflicts arise.

Take heart – conflict is inevitable.

Conflicts are part of life. In any discussion where you have multiple views, perspectives, ideas expressed, there’s almost certainly going to be a conflict between them. This is a good thing because it makes our conversations richer and more interesting. How dull would it be if there were only one way of looking at an issue? See here for our previous post on why we really need some conflict, handled well.

The challenge is to embrace those differences, and continue the conversation.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Give those involved a good listening to. Hear them out.

Samaritans use the Listening Wheel as a prompt to utilise all elements of active listening: asking open questions; reflecting; reacting clarifying; summarising; using short words of encouragement. For more on learning to listen like a Samaritan, see this wonderful book.

And ask questions in the spirit of friendly curiosity

Find out why they are saying what they’re saying. What do they need to happen and why is that? What interests or needs do they have?

If you find yourselves on opposite sides of an argument or issue, it’s all the more important to show curiosity. What has led them to reach the conclusions that they have done? A useful 1 minute summary is here.

Empathise.

And encourage those involved to put themselves into the other persons’ shoes. Mediators will sometimes ask parties think through the issues from the perspective of the other party. As Gerry O’Sullivan says, “it’s important to ask the party to think like the other party with that other party’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives, rather than thinking about what they would have done in those circumstances.” It is a very powerful way to ease the antagonism/competition we often find in conflicts.

Try a different perspective.

To help maintain a sense of perspective when emotions start to run high, we can practise ‘distanced self-talk’, following the example of Marcus Aurelius. If that doesn’t work for you, there are other techniques to support us to manage our emotions. It gets harder to do that in a state of stress. But that’s when you really need them. Here’s a bit more on managing emotions.

You may agree to disagree.

You may not reach an agreement or shared perspective on an issue. That’s ok. You can disagree on the substance without breaking the relationship. Here’s how:

Actively acknowledge the other’s perspective using terms such as ‘I understand that…,’; ‘I see your point’; or ‘What I think you are saying is…’
Affirm the other person’s views by highlighting areas of agreement, no matter how small or obvious. For example, say ‘I agree that…’ or ‘You’re right about…’
Hedge your claims: say ‘I think it’s possible’ rather than ‘This will happen because…’ (Note: you can soften your own beliefs, but don’t minimise values! Avoid words such as ‘just’, ‘simply’ or ‘only’.)
Phrase your arguments in positive rather than negative terms. Say ‘I think it’s helpful to maintain a social distance’ rather than ‘You should not be socialising right now.’
Share your personal experiences – especially involving vulnerability – and this will encourage mutual respect. In contrast, reciting explanations or facts you’ve learned can sound argumentative and condescending.

Focus on the future

Many conflicts have several different dimensions – there will be the trigger event or comment. But there are often many events, comments and hurts in the past that have contributed to the current situation. Especially in family settings, the slights and hurts can last a generation. Getting stuck in a tit-for-tat exchange of who did what to whom is unlikely to set the scene for a more positive relationship in the future. It may be necessary to share your feelings and understand the impact of past actions. But for the relationship to move on, it’s helpful to refocus on we want from the relationship in the future.

Talk to us for more on how to manage conflict better

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

The Art of Disagreement: How to disagree at work without harming relationships

By Philippa Brown

October 25, 2021

We can’t always agree. And how we disagree makes all the difference to our working relationships.

Disagreeing with a friend recently felt a bit like this

I disagreed with a friend on an issue recently. We had differing perspectives, both valid. It really felt uncomfortable because it was hard to agree to disagree with them – it felt as though they needed me to accept that they were “right”. I didn’t see it like that. And I’d have felt so much comfortable in the discussion, if we’d been able to reflect on our different perspectives without the need to determine who’s right and who’s wrong.

It struck me that there really is an art to disagreeing with someone. That applies in personal relationships with friends and family, as well at work.

It’s good to disagree, and disagree well

In Rebel Ideas, Matthew Syed celebrates teams where areas of disagreement and differing perspectives are aired. Have you ever worked in a team like this? I have, but only once in my career. Team discussions sometimes felt pretty uncomfortable. For leaders, it can certainly be hard work to chair and facilitate those discussion. But the alternative – Syed’s teams of clones – are often the kiss of death for creativity and innovation.

Done well, airing disagreements can maximise team creativity and engagement. Handled badly, it can be toxic.

So, how can we disagree well?

5 top tips for respectful disagreements:

Remember disagreement is healthy and inevitable – you can avoid disagreeing with others, by not saying anything… or agreeing with everything they say. But that comes at a high cost to your authenticity. And you’re missing an opportunity to bounce ideas around – why wouldn’t sharing another perspective enrich the discussion?

We want to understand what’s underneath the surface

Listen actively to understand their view (‘seek first to understand’) and create space for dialogue – in mediation we talk about understanding what’s going on under the surface of the position statements that parties can find themselves stuck in. In that context, we want to understand the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ that is being described. That allows for more scope to find win-win solutions. In any discussion involving differing perspectives, there is real value in showing a sense of curiosity about why the other person has the perspective that they do. Bonus top tip: asking “why do you think that?” can come across as aggressive and is unlikely to open up the space for dialogue; try “could you say a bit more about what’s led you to think that?”).

Acknowledge/Reflect the other perspective – clearly valuing the other perspective can often be reassuring for the other party in the discussion. And you could help them feel more comfortable to discuss, getting out of the fight or flight mode they may find themselves in. It also allows the conversation to move forward, past the initial position statements and gets to the ‘why?’. Try: “this sounds like an important issue to you because of the impact that it is having on the team’s productivity.”

Identifying areas of agreement and separating those from the disagreements – this tip helps you organise and sort the issues that may be involved. It gives you a chance to reinforce the sense that you are perhaps on the same team, or that you share a common overall objective. Try: “it sounds like we agree that the issue is how to grow our customer base. We have different ideas about how to communicate with potential clients. Is that right?”

Use respectful language – it may seem obvious but it’s easy to slip into unhelpful language, especially if you’re finding the conversation stressful. Declaring “you’re wrong!” may not help progress the conversation forward; try instead “that’s interesting. Could you talk me through your thinking on this?”.

Yes, but here’s another bonus tip:

“Yes, but…” is fatal. I’d suggest using the word “but” sparingly because it’s commonly perceived as negating the preceding statement (“I like you but….”). Try: “yes, and…” instead.

Clarify your objective before you start

And finally, consider your objective – is it to be right and win the argument? OK – the risk is that you could achieve that at the cost of the relationship. If the relationship matters, consider a different approach.

Get in touch if you’d like to turn around disagreements in your team and maximise the opportunities for innovation and creativity.

Send us a message here

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching

Mediation

10 Insights into Mediation Mentoring

By Philippa Brown

June 18, 2021

“If you cannot see where you are going, ask someone who has been there before”
J. Loren Norris

A common challenge faced by many newly qualified mediators is how to make the transition from training to working as a mediator. Discussions in mediation circles often focus on mentoring as one way to address this. Acknowledging that newly qualified mediators would benefit from mentors, and recognising their feedback, the CMC have recently launched a mentoring pilot. But what’s it really like to take part in mentoring?

Roger Levitt is a Fellow of the CMC, solicitor for 37 years and has over 12 years’ experience of conducting property and commercial mediations. Philippa Brown (Pip), is a junior mediator who worked together with Roger as mentor/mentee. We’d like to share our top 10 insights about the arrangement and its benefits.

A mentor can help you navigate your early days as a mediator

Pip

1. Transition

Roger helped navigate the blue water between completing mediator training and starting to work as a mediator. Having made the most of CEDR’s webinars (including an excellent session from Andy Rogers on marketing yourself as a mediator), I made some initial steps but was stuck and unsure what to do next. Roger helped me with an action plan and gave me the advice and encouragement I needed to get going.

2. Applying my experience and skills

Having an external perspective was helpful to draw out and apply my relevant experience and skills to mediation; it can be easy to miss those when they are your own. Working across cultures is a core element of my international work, but I overlooked the practical point that I am accustomed to working with interpreters, which can also be useful in mediation.

3. Mediation sector knowledge

A mentor can help you grow your skills and experience

Talking to Roger gave me a better understanding of the mediation sector and markets for mediators, which is not intuitive. Getting the ‘view from inside’ the sector was invaluable and allowed me to understand better where the opportunities lie for me to seek clients.

4. Coaching approach

There are similarities between the mentoring approach and that of coaching. It’s not a case of being told ‘the answers’ to the challenges of starting out as a mediator. And it’s crucial to have the space to develop one’s own personal style and approach. Also, being able to observe different mediators has been difficult during the pandemic but is valuable as a complement to mentoring.

5. Where to start

Roger’s practical support and advice helped me get my action plan off the ground. I developed a training plan as a requirement for my CEDR training, but working out how to put it into practice was the challenge. Roger and I worked on our own action plan, which I have followed up over the last 12 months. I am pleased with the results I’ve achieved so far, in a relatively short space of time – entirely during the COVID restrictions. And, as in other coaching style arrangements, the sense of accountability to work through the actions made a difference.

Roger

1. Identifying the need

When I qualified as a civil and commercial mediator over 12 years ago, there was no programme for mentoring. Once I had been qualified for 10 years, I decided the time was right to provide a one-to-one mentoring service to satisfy the need that I saw.

It’s important to be practical in your early career

2. Passing on what I’d learnt

I wanted to pass on the knowledge I’d gained, in many cases through tough experience, in a practical way that the mentees could appreciate and work with.

3. Mentoring Style

My mentoring style is collaborative and consensual rather than didactic. So I hope that this enables the information to be passed on more easily.

4. Establishing Rapport

I chose to work on a one-to-one basis rather than in a group as I felt this would help me to establish rapport quicker. I’m pleased to say that I have maintained long term relationships with nearly all of the mentees I’ve worked with.

5. Being Practical

I devised an action plan which I felt covered the key areas that needed to be worked on in the early years of the mediator’s career. It contained steps that I’d taken, but over a longer period than I would now advocate if full time and attention can be given (for the first 9 years of my mediation career I continued with my commercial property work as a solicitor, alongside developing my mediation practice).

“A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself”.
Oprah Winfrey

The Authors

Roger is a CMC Fellow, and member of the CMC Board. Roger has also been the Lead working with the CMC to develop their approach to mentoring. He is available at . www.rogerlevittmediation.co.uk

Pip continues to build her mediation experience. She provides mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching services to a London housing association and works as a voluntary mediation with the Brighton and Hove Independent Mediation Service. She also consults on international conflict issues. Pip would be happy to talk to any newbie mediators considering working with a mentor. www.ConflictInsights.co.uk

Contact Pip

coaching, Conflict Coaching, Mediation, mentor, mentoring

Neighbour Disputes: When Your Home is Anything but a Sanctuary

By Philippa Brown

May 18, 2021

Have you been experiencing issues with your neighbours? With so much time spent at home, it’s not unusual to find that issues are becoming more challenging.

6 Top Areas of Dispute

Noisy neighbours can be a significant source of stress

The Times recently covered Britain’s top six areas of disputes (according to a survey of six law firms:

Fences and boundaries
Noise/nuisance
Pets
Shared driveways – right of way
Trespass (mostly involving boundary disputes)
Trees and hedges

Options to resolve the issues without going to focused on practical ideas: “Far better to find practical solutions than legal ones. If a neighbour is invading your privacy, buy specialist tinted glass… if the washing line is bothering you, erect a higher fence.”

But there are more ways to resolve neighbour disputes than going to court or putting up a big fence.

Managing Disagreements

The Brighton and Hove Independent Mediation Service share these 5 excellent tips to improve difficult relations between neighbours:

The more understanding the better – it may seem hard, but if you can show understanding towards them, they are much more likely to show understanding to you.
Take a moment – take time to calm down and reflect before contacting the other person
Explain your concerns – explain why you are finding it difficult and request a change that would help (eg “I finish work at midnight so when I get woken up because you put the TV on at 6am, it means I don’t get enough sleep. Please keep things quiet until after 8am.”)
Offer to listen to the other person’s point of view – people are more willing to compromise when they feel their point of view has been heard and understood.
See if it’s possible to agree a plan – or some changes – that would work for you both.

Bringing in a third party to facilitate a discussion can also be helpful and give you and your neighbour a chance to put the stress behind you and move on. Get in touch to talk through the options – you don’t have to do this alone.

Top Tips for Neighbour Disputes

Alternative Dispute Resolution, Conflict Coaching, Mediation