Conflict Coaching Archives - Conflict Insights

Power Dynamics in Teams: how to build awareness

October 13, 2023

Power is a presence in every mediation, every team, every group. Merriam-Webster defines power as “a possession of control, authority, or influence over others.” Typically, in mediation training courses, we will discuss how we can manage a safe space for all parties to contribute, even when there are power imbalances in the room. What usually follows is an interesting discussion about the different sources of power that give us more or less power. But there is often a sense that power is intangible.

A recent group exercise in a regional office retreat that I was facilitating for a human rights charity has changed the way I think about power. And it took power from being slightly hard to pin down, to a real and tangible dynamic. The exercise forced us all to think about how we perceive our own power – and think that through in relation to those around us.

When I say it was a challenging exercise, I mean that it was the most difficult exercise I’ve participated in on a team event. It was an uncomfortable exercise for everyone. It was upsetting for some. It was also revealing.

It also highlighed that we can think about, not just how powerful we think we are and where that power comes from; but how we are going to use that power. What opportunities are there for me to use my own power to do something good?

What did we actually do?

We used the Perceptions of Power exercise from Rise to Power. In the exercise, I asked the group to arrange themselves in a single line.

So far so simple.

What order?

The ordering in the line needed to be from the person who felt that they had most power in the room to the person who expressed having the least power.

How do you gauge your power?

We asked the participants to do the exercise silently. The intention is to base the order on their own perception, which may not be the same as someone else’s opinion.

Is it just how we are at work?

Well, it’s not just the seniority of your position – that would be a reflection of official, recognised hierarchy. There are other aspects of power that are relevant to you as a whole.

What do we mean by ‘power’?

We considered six aspects of power, defined in “Teaching for Diversity and Social Justice Education”:

Power over — the use of domination to act or produce an effect.
Power with — the use of connection and cooperation to act or produce effect.
Power within — the use of inner wisdom to act or produce effect.
Personal Power — the use of individually unique characteristics and resources to act or produce an effect.
Social power — the use of social identity to access resources and produce an effect.
Empowerment — increasing individual or collective power by exposing the fallacies of “power over” and increasing our abilities to use “power with” and “power within.”

How did it work out?

We spent, perhaps, 15 minutes discussing what we were asking the group to do. We could have spent longer discussing it and responding to the challenges from the group. But one person stood up and then the group as a whole moved into a line. That was an interesting demonstration of the use of power already.

The process of arranging the single line took less than 30 seconds.

To say this was an uncomfortable exercise is a huge understatement. But, we were working with a group who had expressly agreed that they wanted to have uncomfortable and challenging conversations. We discussed in small groups after the line-up how it felt and whether it had prompted us to think differently about power.

What did we learn?

Rise identifies three takeaways for this exercise:

There are multiple types of power
We all have power in different forms and contexts
Deciding how, when and why to use our power is important to reflect on

What was my main takeaway learning point?

From my experience, there’s another takeaway. I simply notice the presence and sources of power more than I did before. For the group I was working with, there was a noticeable shift in the subsequent discussions. There was a greater awareness of power as a tangible dynamic in the group, teams and projects. We shared a sense of mutuality: it really is on all of us to notice power. And to consider how, when and why we use whatever power we have individually. I’m looking for opportunities for empowerment.

“Conflict”: What’s in a name?

By Philippa Brown

July 27, 2023

Sticky post

How do you know when you are in conflict? What is it about that situation, dynamic or conversation that makes it feel like you’re suddenly in a difficult conversation?

Is it your heart racing, blood pumping, colour rising to your cheeks and a general sense of unease? For many of us, conflict can be a stressful, threatening experience.

But we may be ‘in conflict’ more than we think.

Conflicting ideas = exchanging ideas

A conflict is actually any time in a conversation with someone when there is a difference of views, opinions, perspective. When we are expressing differing views, opinions or perspectives, we share a something that conflicts with those of the other person. Our ideas conflict with each other. Our views are in conflict. Our perspectives conflict.

This can be a good thing, because that exchange of view, opinions, perspective makes conversation and life interesting. Contrasting ideas can spark creativity. We only have to consider the alternative to see that contrasting ideas are a positive. What would the alternative be? Stagnation. Or not speaking up. That doesn’t sound great.

Positive conflict

So, if many conversations involve an element of difference, why don’t we see that as positive conflict? Sometimes we can be keen to emphasise the absence of ‘conflict’ because that word has a negative association. Paradoxically, acknowledging that there are different ideas being shared can make it easier to open up a conversation about those.

Engaging constructively

So, what can we do when we notice that we’re in a disagreement with someone we are speaking to? It’s noticing that opportunity to embrace the differences and engage in a constructive conversation where ideas are shared.

Here are some tips for that moment when we notice:

Stay calm: remember this is a chance to exchange ideas.
Don’t get personal: using language that attacks the other person themselves is more likely to close down the space for a discussion; instead focus on the views, opinions and perspectives.
Acknowledge the difference: ‘How interesting – it sounds like we’re seeing this differently.’
Explore to understand: ‘I’m curious. Could you tell me a bit more about what’s led you to that perspective?’
Share our voice: ‘Shall I say something about why I see this differently?’

You can connect with Pip here for a conversation about conflict.

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, workplace

Conflict: What I wish I’d learnt at school

By Philippa Brown

June 21, 2023

An opportunity to work with a group of 15-year olds this month exploring different aspects of conflict got me thinking. Alongside other life skills such as managing money and nurturing mental health, what are some of the things about conflict that I wish I’d learnt as a teenager?

It’s unavoidable – and may be useful

A good chunk of my training with adult learners deals with the common assumptions that conflict is a bad thing. Or it’s seen as something to be avoided. But it can serve a useful function. The positives that conflict can offer include the opportunity to air issues that need to be resolved. We have an opportunity to describe what we need and to make specific requests to meet those needs. It’s an opportunity to embrace diverse thinking and different perspectives. In the workplace, a team without conflict isn’t a dream team, it’s a stagnant team!

And we can’t avoid conflict entirely. We can choose to disengage from a conflict situation, by choosing an avoidant approach. But we are still subject to that conflict, but now without the scope to work constructively. We;’re missing the opportunity to meet our needs and to understand better what the other person is seeking to achieve. Hint: there’s generally more to it than just because they want to be mean. This might have surprised my 15-year old self!

To understand what’s happening, I need to go beyond the right/wrong trap

Focusing on allocating blame is limiting. It limits the scope to understand what is driving the other person’s actions and behaviour. I can widen the scope for us to reach an agreement by making a different choice. I can do this by seeking to understand what’s going on under the surface. Why are they behaving as they are? What are they trying to achieve? What really are they trying to achieve? This is also reminds me of the Stephen Covey lesson to ‘seek first to understand’ before I make my own case.

I can choose how I engage with conflict and I can engage better

Our learned conflict style isn’t the only option available to us. Talking through concerns wasn’t the default option when I was growing up. Looking back, I suspect that many of the adults around me were conflict-avoiders. There are certainly times when avoiding a conflict may serve me well. But if that’s my only way of responding then there’s an opportunity to do better. And that could work out better for me too.

My conclusion – I have improved how I manage conflict situations and there’s scope to improve further

I have worked on my conflict skills for some years now. And I sometimes describe myself as a ‘recovering conflict avoider’ when I’m training. Using this is when we’re talking through the five Thomas-Kilman conflict styles (avoiding, competing, compromising, accommodating, collaborating).

I know that there is always scope to improve. It’s easier to enagage constructively in conflict as a third party, or in a professional setting. And, for me, I find it hardest to respond well in situations of personal conflict with my family. But I appreciate the skills I’ve built so far and I want to go further.

When training and coaching, I always emphasise that conflict skills can be developed at any stage of life. It would be great to start to develop those early on. But even if we didn’t, we can still build a solid set of skills to engage with conflict at all levels of intensity more effectively.

You can connect with Pip here for a conversation about conflict.

conflict, Conflict Coaching, conflictcoaching, workplace

Always and Never: the two words that get in the way of constructive discussions

By Philippa Brown

May 12, 2023

Constructive disagreements are the mark of a strong, healthy team. Just ask Matthew Syed, whose ‘Rebel Ideas’ set out the risk of stagnation in teams that aren’t able to share differing perspectives and views in a constructive discussion.

But, for many of us, it can feel stressful and scary to find ourselves in a conflict with someone – even if that is in a discussion where our views are conflicting. There may be times when avoiding conflict is a smart move. But if it’s holding us back from contributing our experience and views to a team discussion, then it’s getting in the way of our own best interests. Click here for more on conflict styles and how expanding your range of go-to conflict responses can help you reduce your stress.

The good news is that disagreeing constructively is a learnt skill – which means we can get better at this. In our previous post, we explored the advantages to building up our conflict competence. This post will focus on two words that crop up a lot and rarely help progress a disagreement constructively: always and never.

Always and Never

What does this mean?

They each generalise behaviour:

‘he never listens’

‘she always undermines me’

‘they never ask me how I am’

Are those statements entirely true? Is it always the case that these colleagues are showing the behaviours described? Is it really something that happens unfailingly? Or something that is unfailingly absent?

The risk is that in using these words we gloss over nuances in the behaviour being described. They are, therefore, often inaccurate.

Why are these words problematic?

It’s distracting from the main message – the other party is likely to focus on the veracity of the statement. When I receive this, my mind immediately goes to thinking about the occasions when it isn’t the case – and I lost the main message that the other person wants me to hear.

They exacerbate the disconnection and get in the way of connecting.

What can we do to move into a more constructive discussion?

In her fantastic book and training, mediator Gerry O’Sullivan explains that these statements take an example of behaviour and apply that to all that person’s actions. She encourages us to probe the statements to develop an understanding of when this is behaviour takes place and when it doesn’t:

“He never listens”

What experience have you had that leads you to say that?

Are there any examples where that wasn’t the case?

Is there ever a time when he does listen?

Listening to people in mediations using ‘always’ and ‘never’ has made me much more aware of my own use of these words. And I now use them much less often because they generally aren’t accurate.

Have you noticed how ‘always’ and ‘never’ affect the flow of discussion?

Pip would love to talk to you about any conflict issue that is getting in the way you achieving what you want to – click here to set up an exploratory 30 minute call.

Communication, conflict, constructive disagreements, workplace

8 Reasons to Develop Your Conflict Competence

By Philippa Brown

February 21, 2023

Most of us do not enjoy conflict. The idea that we would spend time and money to focus on how we manage and engage with conflict might seem like unrealistic. It is hard to find time and resource for everything we want to do, much less talking about things we’d rather avoid.

But you could be missing an opportunity to save time, money and stress. I believe that improving the way that we approach and engage in issues of conflict with our co-workers should be a key focus of your development in 2023. Here are 8 reasons why…

1. You’ll save stress

Conflict can be stressful, scary, daunting, overwhelming and miserable. It doesn’t necessarily have to feel like that though. It is possible to enhance or develop the skills to engage with conflict more constructively, with less stress as a result.

2. You’ll get better results

Conflicts left to fester generally get harder to resolve. People may feel hurt, angry and want to stick to their guns, and/or punish the other party. If you can flush out the issues sooner, the more chance you have to find a resolution that works for all.

3. You’ll save time

The longer tensions are left unaddressed, the more damage they can do. This affects those in the conflict themselves. But the effects are also felt by those around them in the wider team – and the wider organisation.

4. You won’t have to stay trapped in the past

People stuck in conflict can really struggle to draw a line under those past hurts. Getting issues resolved means that the parties can focus on what’s going on now and where they want to get to in the future.

5. You’ll have a degree of control over what happens regarding solutions

If we can get issues of tension resolved directly, it keeps us in control of what is going to happen next. When we pass responsibility for resolving a situation to another person – manager or HR – we have sacrificed the control over how the issues are resolved.

6. You’ll have the opportunity to achieve a confidential resolution to the issue

Once an issue has been referred to others, it is no longer a private matter. It can be embarrassing to explain the details to another person. If we can resolve issues directly with the other person involved, we can keep it confidential.

7. You won’t be ‘judged’ by an external authority

Once a dispute has been referred to someone else for resolution, it’s almost inevitable that there will be a degree of judgement. We can spare ourselves this by addressing the issues directly ourselves.

8. Your solutions are likely to last longer than those imposed on you

When we identify the issues that need to be addressed and generate our solutions, they tend prompt a much greater degree of ownership than those imposed on us by others.

Talk to us about how you and your team can have constructive conversations and debate by building your conflict competence.

What are the three things about workplace conflict that we often get wrong?

By Philippa Brown

January 16, 2023

For many of us, conflict at work is a ‘bad thing’, whether it’s an overt dispute or just the tensions bubbling away under the surface. It’s stressful, distracting and disruptive. And the effects are usually felt by many more people than just those directly involved.

It’s common for our initial reaction to conflict to be to avoid it, or to fight back, to placate or to see if there’s a compromise where everyone gets something so that that issues are less pressing – the classic Conflict Styles described by Thomas and Kilmann.

But what could we do differently – and what might we be missing about the conflict, disputes, tensions that could help us to engage more constructively?

Conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing

Before we continue, I’d like to pause for a moment.

I’d like to invite you to imagine your workplace. What if there were no conflict in your team? What would that look like?

The dynamic is peaceful. No arguments. No disagreements. Everyone’s personal style is aligned. No clashes. No opposing views.

No differences of opinion, views or perspectives.

Peace….. Or, perhaps, stagnation.

Is that really what we want? Or, is that more like Matthew Syed’s unintelligent team of clones – who all think alike?

Without differing views and perspectives, i.e. without views and perspectives that conflict with each other, we end up with group think. This matters because cognitive diversity strengthens business.

We want disagreement. But we want constructive disagreement. It’s important to be able to share opposing, conflicting views, without erupting into harmful conflict.

If we can see the issues from the other side of the table, then we are a lot more likely to find a way to resolve them

Mediators talk about the iceberg – a party’s position statement is at the top. That’s the bit that you see and hear. It’s what they are saying. Underneath the water, lies their interests, needs, wants. Those explain why they are saying whatever they are saying.

To understand the issues from other person’s perspective, we need to explore what is going on under the surface

If you focus only on the part of the iceberg that you see, then you are very likely to get stuck. Often those position statements are in opposition to each other. By seeking to understand why the parties need, want, those positions – it gives you more information that is relevant to reaching an agreement.

Mediators also talk about the orange. You may have already heard this because it is a scenario used in mediation training, as well as negotiation training. For those who haven’t, there are two kids fighting over the last orange in the fruit bowl. The parent comes in a decides enough is enough – they split the orange and give each child half. Seems fair, right? One child takes their half into the sitting room, peels it and eats it, throwing the peel away. The other takes their half into the kitchen, peels it and uses the peel for the cake they are making, throwing away the pulp.

What could the parent have done differently? They could have asked why each child wanted the orange. There was a missed opportunity for each child to get 100% of what they wanted.

Developing an understanding of why people in conflict are taking their positions gives you a chance to find a win-win agreement at the end.

Empowering people to find their own solutions is likely to result in longer lasting agreements

When I worked in Somalia, one significant recurrent risk was that the interests of the donors would affect the internal political agreements between different Somali political factions. The sustainability of any agreements reached depended more on the relationships between Somali stakeholders. They were the main actors in the conflict.

A mediator creates the space for discussion, manages the process and listens out for the issues that really matter. They don’t ‘own’ the dispute, nor are they responsible for reaching an agreement. The parties are responsible.

And agreements tend to stick when they have been determined by those directly affected by the conflict.

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

Top Tips to Manage Holiday Conflict Better

By Philippa Brown

December 8, 2022

As we approach “the most wonderful time of the year…..”, according to Andy Williams, for many of us, it’s also a time when we experience conflict during those much-anticipated gatherings with our loved ones. That conflict may be very visible – or it could be bubbling under the surface. It’s still conflict. And it can still feel stressful, uncomfortable and even upsetting.

Here is a collection of my favourite conflict management and resolution tips. Some have been picked up during mediation, others from working in conflict hotpots across the globe and others from simply living and working in situations where conflicts arise.

Take heart – conflict is inevitable.

Conflicts are part of life. In any discussion where you have multiple views, perspectives, ideas expressed, there’s almost certainly going to be a conflict between them. This is a good thing because it makes our conversations richer and more interesting. How dull would it be if there were only one way of looking at an issue? See here for our previous post on why we really need some conflict, handled well.

The challenge is to embrace those differences, and continue the conversation.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Give those involved a good listening to. Hear them out.

Samaritans use the Listening Wheel as a prompt to utilise all elements of active listening: asking open questions; reflecting; reacting clarifying; summarising; using short words of encouragement. For more on learning to listen like a Samaritan, see this wonderful book.

And ask questions in the spirit of friendly curiosity

Find out why they are saying what they’re saying. What do they need to happen and why is that? What interests or needs do they have?

If you find yourselves on opposite sides of an argument or issue, it’s all the more important to show curiosity. What has led them to reach the conclusions that they have done? A useful 1 minute summary is here.

Empathise.

And encourage those involved to put themselves into the other persons’ shoes. Mediators will sometimes ask parties think through the issues from the perspective of the other party. As Gerry O’Sullivan says, “it’s important to ask the party to think like the other party with that other party’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives, rather than thinking about what they would have done in those circumstances.” It is a very powerful way to ease the antagonism/competition we often find in conflicts.

Try a different perspective.

To help maintain a sense of perspective when emotions start to run high, we can practise ‘distanced self-talk’, following the example of Marcus Aurelius. If that doesn’t work for you, there are other techniques to support us to manage our emotions. It gets harder to do that in a state of stress. But that’s when you really need them. Here’s a bit more on managing emotions.

You may agree to disagree.

You may not reach an agreement or shared perspective on an issue. That’s ok. You can disagree on the substance without breaking the relationship. Here’s how:

Actively acknowledge the other’s perspective using terms such as ‘I understand that…,’; ‘I see your point’; or ‘What I think you are saying is…’
Affirm the other person’s views by highlighting areas of agreement, no matter how small or obvious. For example, say ‘I agree that…’ or ‘You’re right about…’
Hedge your claims: say ‘I think it’s possible’ rather than ‘This will happen because…’ (Note: you can soften your own beliefs, but don’t minimise values! Avoid words such as ‘just’, ‘simply’ or ‘only’.)
Phrase your arguments in positive rather than negative terms. Say ‘I think it’s helpful to maintain a social distance’ rather than ‘You should not be socialising right now.’
Share your personal experiences – especially involving vulnerability – and this will encourage mutual respect. In contrast, reciting explanations or facts you’ve learned can sound argumentative and condescending.

Focus on the future

Many conflicts have several different dimensions – there will be the trigger event or comment. But there are often many events, comments and hurts in the past that have contributed to the current situation. Especially in family settings, the slights and hurts can last a generation. Getting stuck in a tit-for-tat exchange of who did what to whom is unlikely to set the scene for a more positive relationship in the future. It may be necessary to share your feelings and understand the impact of past actions. But for the relationship to move on, it’s helpful to refocus on we want from the relationship in the future.

Talk to us for more on how to manage conflict better

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

Conflict Coaching: What is it and how can it help me?

By Philippa Brown

August 15, 2022

There are times when mediation may not be the best way to address conflict. It may be that you don’t have the agreement of all the parties involved to take part. It may be that, actually, it would be useful to develop conflict management/handling skills so that we are able to respond to conflicts and challenging issues within the workplace more effectively and with less stress,

This is where conflict coaching can help. This post explores the what, why, when and how of conflict coaching.

What is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict coaching is one-to-one engagement to develop and enhance conflict skills. This can be used to:

Improve how we are dealing with an ongoing conflict
Explore and consider how we could have addressed a past conflict differently, i.e. more effectively
Build up our conflict competence skills – how we understand, respond to and engage with conflict

Why do it?

Conflict coaching gives us the opportunity to shift and improve the way we engage with conflict issues. By developing our conflict competence, we can improve the way that we deal with active or ongoing conflicts – resulting in better results and less stress.

And we can develop a solid foundation of conflict handling skills that give us the competence and confidence to address conflict issues in a constructive way, before they escalate into unhelpful, or destructive conflict.

When does it work?

Conflict coaching is about the development of core, life skills that we can readily apply in the workplace and outside it. From this perspective, there is no bad time to work on those skills.

It is particularly relevant if we are involved in an active conflict, or where we are conscious that a past conflict could have gone better.

How does it work?

As a conflict coach, I usually suggest that we have a series of between 3 and 5. one-to-one coaching sessions, often a week or so apart. This gives us the scope to get a good understanding of conflict dynamics and styles. We also work on de-mystifying conflict, drawing out the important distinction between constructive, healthy disagreements and negative, destructive conflict.

Coaching builds competence and confidence

We will build up your conflict competence skills, so that you are better able to engage constructively in conflict settings.

And we will work through ongoing conflict situations, supporting you to explore opportunities to engage differently, using your conflict skills.

Conclusion

Conflict coaching can help.

If you would like to discuss a possible situation with Pip to consider whether conflict coaching could help you, then please click here.

How bad does it have to be to make it worth calling a mediator? When to mediate

By Philippa Brown

July 13, 2022

Many of us often face challenging and difficult situations. We usually manage those as well as we can. Most workplace tensions are not managed with the assistance of an external third party. So, how bad does a situation have to be to justify bringing in an external facilitator or mediator to help? When is the situation officially a ‘conflict’?

Workplace conflict is everywhere

ACAS estimate that workplace conflict costs British businesses just under £30bn a year. That breaks down to roughly £1000 cost per employee. These figures include the tangible costs, such as legal fees and the cost of management time spent. They also include other costs that may not be immediately apparent, such as lost productivity and retention/recruitment costs – 800,000 people of the 10 million involved in a workplace conflict will leave the organisation within years (resignations/dismissals).

The overt and the covert

‘Conflicts’ include issues that have escalated to a very visible dispute. But they also include situations where latent conflict issues may not yet have overtly surfaced, but are present, bubbling away under the surface. The manager may be aware that there are issues that need to be addressed between two members of their team, but they are, perhaps, hoping that the issues will sort themselves out without them needing to be involved.

They usually don’t go away on their own.

When is it time to try mediation?

Here are some points to help consider when to mediate:

1. When the disagreement is starting to get in the way of your team working well and you need to rebuild the relationship

Conflict can be constructive – a well-functioning team needs to be able to air different perspectives and views to avoid group think . But we need teams that are ‘conflict competent’ to manage those discussions constructively. Mediation is particularly valuable to restore relationships – so when an ongoing relationship between yourself and the others is crucial, it can really help.

2. You’ve already had a go at resolving things informally, directly

You’ve raised that there is an issue and tried to get it resolved:

But things are still difficult and it’s getting in the way of getting the job done. This would be a good time to step it up – it’s time to get a bit more help.

3. Before the tensions escalate – and the costs

It is generally considered better to start mediation as soon as possible during the disagreement. ACAS advice that the earlier the disagreement is dealt with, the less chance there is of things getting worse.

Prompt mediation will help reduce the amount of time and money spent on the dispute and open a dialogue with the other party before they become too fixed in their position.

It’s worth noting that some lawyers consider that bringing in mediation later in the conflict, once parties have had a chance to receive legal advice is preferable. Thisis so that they go into the discussions better informed.

4. The people involved want to resolve the issues quickly and discreetly

If the people involved want to resolve the situation but need some facilitation to do that, the situation is ripe for mediation. There are lots of benefits to this approach over other dispute resolution approaches – including speed, privacy and control.

What is mediation anyway?

Mediation is a quick way to resolve disagreement at work and is:

Less formal
Flexible
Voluntary
Confidential

Conclusion

If workplace tensions are getting in the way of your team delivering what they need to do – and there have already been efforts to resolve the issues that haven’t worked – then it may be time to consider mediation. If this describes your situation, click here to arrange an informal, no-obligation call with Pip to consider whether mediation could help.

conflict, Mediation, workplace conflict

The Right/Wrong Trap: Whose truth are we talking about?

By Philippa Brown

February 23, 2022

In a disagreement, what is the most important thing to you – to be right, or to be able to move on? For some of us, we need to have our position accepted as The Truth. And often in mediation, that need to be ‘right’, gets right in the way of the parties being able to resolve the dispute.

Focusing on what’s needed for a resolution is more helpful than thinking about issues in terms of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

Often parties describe their position and it tends to be in quite black and quite terms – they are right and the other person is, therefore wrong. This is a trap. If we think about issues only as right and wrong, then if we aren’t right, then we must be wrong. Being wrong feels like a judgment-heavy, uncomfortable position to be in.

When we take a right/wrong view of issues, that makes it harder to get a resolution everyone is content with. It takes us further from the win-win result. It constrains the discussion into a binary framework. And we may feel we have little choice but to entrench and defend our position.

Focusing on right and wrong makes it almost impossible to think creatively about how to satisfy everyone’s interests and resolve the dispute.

Mediation focuses on the future, rather than right/wrong.

This is where mediation offer parties a different approach to that taken in other forms of dispute resolution. Facilitative mediation not focused on right and wrong. In many cases, it’s not particularly relevant.

It can be really challenging to move beyond that position. It is still natural for the parties involved in a dispute to fall into the right/wrong trap when talking through what’s happened.

Instead, the mediator will help the parties identify what’s going on underneath the surface of their position – what they really need to move on.

Why? Because it’s a more potentially constructive area to explore than a limiting statement that ‘I’m right and they are wrong.’ And there may be a variety of meanings.

What people could mean when they say ‘I’m right’.

When a party in a dispute or argument states ‘I’m right’ – we can take that at face value. They may well mean “I believe that it is my right to do/say/behave as I did”.

But there may be other meanings:

“I need my perspective acknowledged”
“I need my needs to be met”
“I want to be heard”
“I want the other person to agree to what I want”
“I want to be reassured I haven’t done wrong”

A mediator helps those involved in the dispute to address and explore what’s underneath the initial positions taken by parties. Part of that may be to support and coach the parties to move to a more empathetic stance. Seeking to understand how these issues look from other perspectives.

What does the Mediator do?

Although controversial for some, in mediation and in disagreements more generally, it can be helpful to consider that we are working with at least three versions of the truth:

The truth as I see it from my perspective
The truth from your perspective
The facts of the issue.

All are important to understand to reach a resolution.

Understanding perspectives is key to resolution.

It seems to me that the cases where there are clear-cut issues of right/wrong are rare. It’s all in the perspective. Instead of getting stuck in the right/wrong trap, seeking to understand those differing perspectives has been much more constructive in terms of getting the issues resolved and helping the parties to move on.

Conflict Coaching

Top Tips for Conflict in the Festive Season

By Philippa Brown

December 14, 2021

‘Tis the season to be jolly. But for many of us, it’s also a time when we experience conflict during those much-anticipated gatherings with our loved ones. That conflict may be very visible – or it could be bubbling under the surface. It’s still conflict. And it can still feel stressful, uncomfortable and even upsetting.

Here is a collection of my favourite conflict management and resolution tips. Some have been picked up during mediation, others from working in conflict hotpots across the globe and others from simply living and working in situations where conflicts arise.

Take heart – conflict is inevitable.

Conflicts are part of life. In any discussion where you have multiple views, perspectives, ideas expressed, there’s almost certainly going to be a conflict between them. This is a good thing because it makes our conversations richer and more interesting. How dull would it be if there were only one way of looking at an issue? See here for our previous post on why we really need some conflict, handled well.

The challenge is to embrace those differences, and continue the conversation.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Give those involved a good listening to. Hear them out.

Samaritans use the Listening Wheel as a prompt to utilise all elements of active listening: asking open questions; reflecting; reacting clarifying; summarising; using short words of encouragement. For more on learning to listen like a Samaritan, see this wonderful book.

And ask questions in the spirit of friendly curiosity

Find out why they are saying what they’re saying. What do they need to happen and why is that? What interests or needs do they have?

If you find yourselves on opposite sides of an argument or issue, it’s all the more important to show curiosity. What has led them to reach the conclusions that they have done? A useful 1 minute summary is here.

Empathise.

And encourage those involved to put themselves into the other persons’ shoes. Mediators will sometimes ask parties think through the issues from the perspective of the other party. As Gerry O’Sullivan says, “it’s important to ask the party to think like the other party with that other party’s thoughts, feelings and perspectives, rather than thinking about what they would have done in those circumstances.” It is a very powerful way to ease the antagonism/competition we often find in conflicts.

Try a different perspective.

To help maintain a sense of perspective when emotions start to run high, we can practise ‘distanced self-talk’, following the example of Marcus Aurelius. If that doesn’t work for you, there are other techniques to support us to manage our emotions. It gets harder to do that in a state of stress. But that’s when you really need them. Here’s a bit more on managing emotions.

You may agree to disagree.

You may not reach an agreement or shared perspective on an issue. That’s ok. You can disagree on the substance without breaking the relationship. Here’s how:

Actively acknowledge the other’s perspective using terms such as ‘I understand that…,’; ‘I see your point’; or ‘What I think you are saying is…’
Affirm the other person’s views by highlighting areas of agreement, no matter how small or obvious. For example, say ‘I agree that…’ or ‘You’re right about…’
Hedge your claims: say ‘I think it’s possible’ rather than ‘This will happen because…’ (Note: you can soften your own beliefs, but don’t minimise values! Avoid words such as ‘just’, ‘simply’ or ‘only’.)
Phrase your arguments in positive rather than negative terms. Say ‘I think it’s helpful to maintain a social distance’ rather than ‘You should not be socialising right now.’
Share your personal experiences – especially involving vulnerability – and this will encourage mutual respect. In contrast, reciting explanations or facts you’ve learned can sound argumentative and condescending.

Focus on the future

Many conflicts have several different dimensions – there will be the trigger event or comment. But there are often many events, comments and hurts in the past that have contributed to the current situation. Especially in family settings, the slights and hurts can last a generation. Getting stuck in a tit-for-tat exchange of who did what to whom is unlikely to set the scene for a more positive relationship in the future. It may be necessary to share your feelings and understand the impact of past actions. But for the relationship to move on, it’s helpful to refocus on we want from the relationship in the future.

Talk to us for more on how to manage conflict better

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

Conflict Coaching

Why We Need Conflict in the Workplace, Handled Well – and 3 Tips for Constructive Disagreements

By Philippa Brown

November 16, 2021

Many of us find conflict stressful and hard work. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if those workplace conflicts just weren’t there?

Or would it….?

Teams with no disagreements can feel stagnant

A workplace without conflict

Let’s think that through for a moment.

Imagine your workplace. What if there were no conflict in your team? What would that look like? What would it feel like?

The dynamic is peaceful. No disagreements. Everyone’s personal style is aligned. No clashes. No opposing views.

Hmm. No opposing views? Are we sure that’s really what we want?

Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas
Donatella Versace

Group Thinking Traps

In Rebel Ideas, Matthew Syed demonstrated why having a team who don’t have opposing views and perspectives isn’t a great result.

Constructive disagreements

Without differing views and perspectives, i.e. without views and perspectives that conflict with each other, you may end up with a team of clones. This matters, because we need cognitive diversity to strengthen our business.

We want disagreement. But we want constructive disagreement. It’s important to be able to share opposing, conflicting views, without erupting into harmful conflict.

We need constructive rather than destructive disagreements

Conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it’s how we handle it that makes the difference. Will it be destructive or constructive?

Conflict is good in a negotiation process. It’s the clash of two ideas which then, all being well, produces a third idea
Luke Roberts

Responding in a considered way, rather than knee-jerk reactions

We may not be instinctively great at managing conflict. We may go quickly into a fight or flight mode. But we don’t have to stay in that state.

ACAS refer to ‘conflict competence’, which is our conflict handling skills. Like other skill sets, they can be developed and honed.

Tips for managing your immediate response include regulating your breathing and, taking our lead from Marcus Aurelius, practising distanced self-talk.

Jaw, jaw – or war war?

There are also adjustments in our HR processes that can facilitate dialogue and encourage staff to exchange differing perspectives. Do your staff have the opportunity to express views in a psychologically safe space? Do they feel heard?

3 practical steps to manage workplace conflict better

We want to hear and use different perspectives

Remembering that we want disagreements, here are three ways to open up the space for those to take place constructively:

Enhance conflict competence through training and coaching for leaders, managers, teams, staff to empower them to manage disagreements constructively
Ensure that your processes are focused on resolution and dialogue; on opening up the space for dialogue and ensuring there are opportunities for staff to voice their opinions and ideas.
Add a mediation clause in your contract: conflicts and disagreements are inevitable, and we commit to resolve those through dialogue and mediation as the primary response. That could save thousands in legal fees alone.

Contact us to talk more about how to strengthen your business by ensuring that differing perspectives can be shared.

Dialogue is the most effective way of resolving conflict
Dalai Lama

Talk to us

Conflict Coaching

The Art of Disagreement: How to disagree at work without harming relationships

By Philippa Brown

October 25, 2021

We can’t always agree. And how we disagree makes all the difference to our working relationships.

Disagreeing with a friend recently felt a bit like this

I disagreed with a friend on an issue recently. We had differing perspectives, both valid. It really felt uncomfortable because it was hard to agree to disagree with them – it felt as though they needed me to accept that they were “right”. I didn’t see it like that. And I’d have felt so much comfortable in the discussion, if we’d been able to reflect on our different perspectives without the need to determine who’s right and who’s wrong.

It struck me that there really is an art to disagreeing with someone. That applies in personal relationships with friends and family, as well at work.

It’s good to disagree, and disagree well

In Rebel Ideas, Matthew Syed celebrates teams where areas of disagreement and differing perspectives are aired. Have you ever worked in a team like this? I have, but only once in my career. Team discussions sometimes felt pretty uncomfortable. For leaders, it can certainly be hard work to chair and facilitate those discussion. But the alternative – Syed’s teams of clones – are often the kiss of death for creativity and innovation.

Done well, airing disagreements can maximise team creativity and engagement. Handled badly, it can be toxic.

So, how can we disagree well?

5 top tips for respectful disagreements:

Remember disagreement is healthy and inevitable – you can avoid disagreeing with others, by not saying anything… or agreeing with everything they say. But that comes at a high cost to your authenticity. And you’re missing an opportunity to bounce ideas around – why wouldn’t sharing another perspective enrich the discussion?

We want to understand what’s underneath the surface

Listen actively to understand their view (‘seek first to understand’) and create space for dialogue – in mediation we talk about understanding what’s going on under the surface of the position statements that parties can find themselves stuck in. In that context, we want to understand the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ that is being described. That allows for more scope to find win-win solutions. In any discussion involving differing perspectives, there is real value in showing a sense of curiosity about why the other person has the perspective that they do. Bonus top tip: asking “why do you think that?” can come across as aggressive and is unlikely to open up the space for dialogue; try “could you say a bit more about what’s led you to think that?”).

Acknowledge/Reflect the other perspective – clearly valuing the other perspective can often be reassuring for the other party in the discussion. And you could help them feel more comfortable to discuss, getting out of the fight or flight mode they may find themselves in. It also allows the conversation to move forward, past the initial position statements and gets to the ‘why?’. Try: “this sounds like an important issue to you because of the impact that it is having on the team’s productivity.”

Identifying areas of agreement and separating those from the disagreements – this tip helps you organise and sort the issues that may be involved. It gives you a chance to reinforce the sense that you are perhaps on the same team, or that you share a common overall objective. Try: “it sounds like we agree that the issue is how to grow our customer base. We have different ideas about how to communicate with potential clients. Is that right?”

Use respectful language – it may seem obvious but it’s easy to slip into unhelpful language, especially if you’re finding the conversation stressful. Declaring “you’re wrong!” may not help progress the conversation forward; try instead “that’s interesting. Could you talk me through your thinking on this?”.

Yes, but here’s another bonus tip:

“Yes, but…” is fatal. I’d suggest using the word “but” sparingly because it’s commonly perceived as negating the preceding statement (“I like you but….”). Try: “yes, and…” instead.

Clarify your objective before you start

And finally, consider your objective – is it to be right and win the argument? OK – the risk is that you could achieve that at the cost of the relationship. If the relationship matters, consider a different approach.

Get in touch if you’d like to turn around disagreements in your team and maximise the opportunities for innovation and creativity.

Send us a message here

Alternative Dispute Resolution, conflict, Conflict Coaching

Conflict Coaching

Uncomfortable conversations: Love them or hate them?

By Philippa Brown

September 16, 2021

Who relishes a conversation that feels uncomfortable? Alesha Dixon commented in an interview earlier this year – “I love an uncomfortable conversation. I really do. Because I’m not afraid to learn and to be wrong.” Her comment has really stayed with me. It’s unusual to hear someone talking about difficult discussions in such a positive way.

How do you feel when you’re out of your comfort zone?

It’s not uncommon to feel threatened – as though you’re under attack. If you feel yourself going into flight-fight mode, you wouldn’t be alone. Dan Goleman referred to the “amygdala hijack” in Emotional Intelligence: Why It can Matter More than IQ. That hijack often doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. Steve Peters has described the brain’s reaction to the hijack as a chimp.

It’s a threat

When we perceive specific threats in a social situation, it affects our ability to interact productively. Commonly these are threats to our social standing: having our competence undermined, feeling as though we’re being micro-managed; believing a situation to be unfair. Acknowledging the stressors that trigger our threat responses is a good way to ensure that the confrontation doesn’t get the better of you.

“You’re wrong!”

‘Being wrong’ is a very emotionally loaded phrase. It can get in the way of listening to other perspectives because it’s a rare person who is able to keep practising active listening, when they feel like they are under attack.

It can be scary to admit that you might be getting something wrong – or that you just don’t know about something. If you’re trying to do that in the middle of a conflict, then that’s really tricky.

But it’s important. You may be missing out on an opportunity. Those emotions may get in the way of hearing a different perspective – really hearing it, without that sense of threat.

Managing your emotions

Thankfully there’s a lot of advice around about managing that emotional response during difficult conversations. Much focuses on getting your breathing under control – whether as part of mediation, or just taking some deep breaths.

“Why is Marcus so concerned about this issue?”

There’s also a classic technique of ‘distanced self-talk’ – as demonstrated by Marcus Aurelius. There’s a shift from thinking ”why am I feeling so upset?”, which is considered immersed self-talk, to a distanced self-talk question, eg “why is Joe feeling so upset?” (if your name is Joe).

Sometimes, getting some support from someone outside the situation can make a difference to how those discussions go. If you’d like some support to manage difficult conversations, get in touch and I might be able to help.

Talk to Pip

conflict, conflictcoaching, difficult conversation, workplace

How do you introduce yourself? Career changers and evolving professional identities

By Philippa Brown

July 12, 2021

1 Comment

When do you change your ‘introduction label?

What do you do?

The first time I introduced myself as a mediator wasn’t at in a business setting, or a networking event. It was to my new dentist. He asked me what I do for work. I paused, before replying “I’m a mediator and conflict coach”. This was the first time that I had said described myself by the field I was moving into. It felt significant.

I’ve worked in conflict for a long time. But after years working overseas, I trained as a mediator a couple of years ago. Since then, I’ve been working on building a mediation business. My focus is on workplace and community disputes – and, more generally, disputes where emotions are running particularly high.

When to change your introduction label?

As a career changer/pivoter, I found it hard to identify the point when it’s ok to label myself by my new role, without being disingenuous. It’s the same when you’re starting out in your career. I’ve heard of career coaches advising that you should use your ‘new label’ when asked what you do, rather than continuing in a box that you’re moving on from.

There’s a whole discussion over whether these labels are really helpful or not – and what using your work as your primary identifier means for you. But I’ll leave a discussion of labelling theory to the psychologists.

According to Second Breaks, it’s important to reflect your new professional identity:

When you fully accept the shift in your professional identity, you project a level of self-assuredness that people around you pick up on and respond to.

For me, this came after I’d been a qualified mediator for more than 18 months, with several mediations and conflict coaching calls under my belt. I’m not entirely sure why it felt right to tell my dentist that I’m a mediator. But it felt good and I’ve continued to introduce myself as a mediator since.

What’s your experience of evolving your pitch and how you introduce yourself?

Get in touch with Pip

Neighbour Disputes: When Your Home is Anything but a Sanctuary

By Philippa Brown

May 18, 2021

Have you been experiencing issues with your neighbours? With so much time spent at home, it’s not unusual to find that issues are becoming more challenging.

6 Top Areas of Dispute

Noisy neighbours can be a significant source of stress

The Times recently covered Britain’s top six areas of disputes (according to a survey of six law firms:

Fences and boundaries
Noise/nuisance
Pets
Shared driveways – right of way
Trespass (mostly involving boundary disputes)
Trees and hedges

Options to resolve the issues without going to focused on practical ideas: “Far better to find practical solutions than legal ones. If a neighbour is invading your privacy, buy specialist tinted glass… if the washing line is bothering you, erect a higher fence.”

But there are more ways to resolve neighbour disputes than going to court or putting up a big fence.

Managing Disagreements

The Brighton and Hove Independent Mediation Service share these 5 excellent tips to improve difficult relations between neighbours:

The more understanding the better – it may seem hard, but if you can show understanding towards them, they are much more likely to show understanding to you.
Take a moment – take time to calm down and reflect before contacting the other person
Explain your concerns – explain why you are finding it difficult and request a change that would help (eg “I finish work at midnight so when I get woken up because you put the TV on at 6am, it means I don’t get enough sleep. Please keep things quiet until after 8am.”)
Offer to listen to the other person’s point of view – people are more willing to compromise when they feel their point of view has been heard and understood.
See if it’s possible to agree a plan – or some changes – that would work for you both.

Bringing in a third party to facilitate a discussion can also be helpful and give you and your neighbour a chance to put the stress behind you and move on. Get in touch to talk through the options – you don’t have to do this alone.

Top Tips for Neighbour Disputes

Alternative Dispute Resolution, Conflict Coaching, Mediation

“I get so emotional, baby”: Working with emotion in conflict

By Philippa Brown

April 6, 2021

Emotional response to conflict

Lots of us have an emotional reaction to being in conflict. The heart starts to race, breathing shallows and blood rushes to the head. For some, the red mist descends, and they are in fight mode. This is often seen as a negative and they are told not to be ‘so emotional’. There’s a perception that when someone is considered to be controlled by their emotions, they are not rational.

But is it such a bad thing to be emotional? What happens if we accept emotions are a natural part of conflict?

It’s natural to experience an emotional reaction when dealing with an issue where you are in conflict with someone else. Surely, it would get easier to talk about the difficult issues without the added stress of feeling ashamed about our reactions?

Working with your emotions

In a great talk recently for the Harvard Programme on Negotiation on leadership, Professor Rob Wilkinson discussed emotions. He acknowledges that it’s understandable to take challenge personally, especially when you feel committed to what you’re doing. That challenge may trigger an emotional reaction. Beating yourself up about that is unlikely to help.

His advice – it’s ok to recognise that you are experiencing emotional response; human beings have survived because we have emotions. So, after accepting this is normal, what next?

There are lots of techniques that can help you to regulate your emotions – simply shifting your focus to your breath is often recommended and can be very helpful. Thinking about managing your inner chimp works for many.

Conflict Coaching

If you find that your emotions are getting in the way of managing a conflict, perhaps it’s time to try something different. Conflict coaching can help you to manage your emotions and even use them to your advantage.

Conflict Coaching

Expanding Your Conflict Style to Manage Conflict Better (& Reduce Stress)

By Philippa Brown

February 1, 2021

How do you react when you feel yourself to be in a conflict? Do you find your competitive nature is triggered? Or do you want to avoid the whole thing until it blows over? We all react differently to conflicts – and sometimes our reactions differ depending on the conflict. Often, however, we have a natural style that we revert to.

Why does this matter? Because it’s a stress driver that we can reduce.

Conflict is everywhere. For lots of us, our relationships are feeling the strain of a year of the pandemic. There are conflicts within families, with work colleagues, with neighbours, with bosses etc etc.

Many people find conflicts stressful and upsetting. Understanding our inherent conflict style can help us manage conflicts better and reduce our stress levels.

The Styles

Thomas and Kilman describe five major conflict styles, categorised and explained below:

Competing: I want to win (at all costs?) – assertive and uncooperative

This style can be useful when decisions need to be made fast (eg in an emergency), or when you need to take a firm stance against someone trying to take an unfair advantage. The danger is that it can be perceived as aggressive and focused on individual benefit.

Accommodating: OK, we’ll do it your way…. (I’m not really bothered) – unassertive and cooperative

Could be a useful approach for an issue that you don’t really care about, perhaps to ‘bank’ the favour for something else that matters more to you. The risk is that you might not get that favour returned.

Avoiding: Can the whole thing just go away now please? – unassertive and uncooperative

Perhaps this has its moment when winning the argument is genuinely impossible, or it just doesn’t matter to you. But it’s generally seen as a weak approach that is unlikely to serve your best interests.

Collaborating: Surely, we could work together and get this sorted out? – assertive and cooperative

This style is really useful when you need people with different perspectives to work together on a solution, especially with multiple parties involved in a conflict. It can also be useful when there have been other conflicts, are likely to be more areas of conflict and you need to work together in the future.

Compromising: let’s find a way through that we can both live with – moderately assertive and cooperative

Can be useful when the cost of the conflict is high, either tangibly (legal fees?) or as an intangible cost to the parties (eg the relationship impact). This one can sound like a great idea, but there’s a risk that everyone ends up dissatisfied.

Which is better?

Well, that depends. You may want to use different styles at different times. In a negotiation, you may need to prioritise certain issues, and yield on others, in order to reach an overall agreement. You may also have a few styles that you tend to use. But maybe there are others you never employ.

It can also be hard to unlearn the conflict style that you have naturally developed. If your immediate reaction is to avoid the conflict at all costs, doing something different goes against your instincts – and it’s a challenge.

OK, I’m an avoider. Where do I go from here?

What now?

Recognising your instinctive style is a good starting point. There are lots of online assessments that can help, some for free.

Learning how and when to use the other conflict styles to get better results when you’re in a conflict can also help. You can do this on your own, or with the support of a conflict coach. Either way, it can be reassuring to know that you have a few options in your conflict repertoire to use when responding to conflict. You’re not stuck in the same patterns for ever.

Find out more about conflict coaching

Copyright protected, please do not copy.

conflictcoaching